Holding On

One thing I know for certain is that God allows us all to go through trials. Never have I understood why He allows us to go through them, but I DO know that I have a strong desire to use any and all of my trials to help other people.

I have heard a lot about divorce lately. It seems to pop up a lot on Facebook. You hear people talk about how complicated marriage is, how they are fighting to get someone back, or how many times they have been married. I can't speak in generalities because every single situation is so different that you just do not know WHAT led a person to get divorced.

I have heard that getting divorced is a feeling worse than someone dying because they are "gone" but they are still there, just inaccessible in most cases. And I haven't BEEN there, so I don't know how to speak of it without sounding "preachy".

Any of you reading this that know me well enough, know the story of how my then 38 year old completely healthy husband almost died in 2000. You know about the weeks he spent on life support, and you know that there was never an explanation. Only the endless meetings with teams of doctors who knew not what to tell us, only to tell us to prepare for his death. And if you know me well enough, you know the hell that ensued, when , taken off life support he did indeed begin breathing on his own after all, even though the doctors thought that he couldn't. It was a miracle, no doubt about it. But what followed was a series of events I have been told numerous times I should write a book about.

We grappled with so much during those times. He continued to ask God why He had allowed him to go through that..what was the purpose and what was the major purpose for allowing him to live and not taking him right then and there? I had to learn to be his memory as we realized the loss of oxygen to his brain had caused him to forget things here and there from before. I spent weeks, probably months writing down events so that I could assure myself that at least I would remember them. To this day, I bet he doesn't even remember my doing that, his memory about the time is so clouded. And I began to deal with the anger that slowly crept up, week after week, month after month. It seemed he was mad at God, but there was no explanation as to why. And it took years to overcome. During those years, there were just as many people praying for our marriage as there had been praying for his life in 2000. During those years, we actually lost friends for not getting a divorce. But we knew we shouldn't. For me, it was not because someone told me I shouldn't. Not because I was afraid of how guilty I would feel if I did it. I simply knew I should not give up. It was as though the Holy Spirit continued to tell me of the abundance that was at the other end, if only I would just hold on and be faithful to all God had promised me.

And wouldn't you know it, He kept every single one of those promises! But it is even better than I imagined when I "heard" those promises from Him. I never thought that I could love this man even MORE than I did in 2000, but I do. I never thought I could respect him more, but he has earned even more respect in ways I never even saw coming. God took this marriage, this THING we could have given up on, and would not allow either of us to give up.

So I told someone recently, one of the things I look forward to about growing old is growing old with my husband. It is teaching my kids that, even when their Daddy and I were not the people we wanted the other one to be, we held on, we prayed, and we worked it out until God allowed us to be more like-minded with one another. We held on in faith..and by the grace of God, it worked!